NOISE

Molinism?

2009-11-12T22:29:00.003-05:00

So, I've discovered that aside from Calvinism and Arminianism, there is a third theological position that can be taken regarding Free Will and man's spiritual state apart from God; this soteriological school is called Molinism.

Its most prominent advocates are Alvin Platinga and William Lane Craig, both of whom I have read and admire as Christian academics. However, we know that intellectual respectability and omniscience are not the same thing. Molinism, in short, claims the sovereignty of God but maintains that humans have free will. Essentially, God knows how we'll act in any given set of circumstances, and his ends are achieved by which our free choices achieve his desired ends. Wiki it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molinism

I am predisposed to being moderate - all the time. So, naturally, this theology is appealing to me. However, I am in danger of falling into a system where I make decisions based on pattern and habit than reason and spiritual directives. I never made a soteriological decision because, up until now, I was unaware that there were choices beyond Calvinism and Arminianism. Now that there's a middle ground available to me, of course I would throw up my hands and shout "Hallellujah". But alas, I cannot do that. Why is Molinism so obscure that I have never heard of it? Claiming the middle ground is something that is sure to get you compromisers and fence-sitters like myself. I'm not going to get into all the philosophical jargon about Molinism simply because I am easy confused by logic, but apparently many people see it as heresy. Interesting, no?

So....if you were waiting for a conclusion from me, here it is: I am not going to make a decision here and now. I must read more. I need to understand more before I decide. All of Calvinism, Arminianism and Molinism seem plausible to me.

In the meantime, read this: http://www.reclaimingthemind.org/blog/2009/11/four-types-of-theologians/

idiocy

2009-11-10T23:59:00.002-05:00

I love going on instructables.com to look at DIY projects. I came across this one where you can use the barrel of a standard pen and the ink of an incredibly nice pen...anyway totally irrelevent. I was reading the comments which went from the article itself to peoples' favourite pens to...well, you'll see. so stupid.

Radical or Reckless?

2009-10-29T03:54:00.004-04:00

I took part in a conversation a few days ago with two friends. One was complaining about his job as an accountant - the stress of the long hours and the unrealistic expectations demanded of him were too overwhelming. That, paired with a sense of fruitlessness in his cold, hard, money-grubbing sector, compelled him to express his frustrations with the directionless of his post-school life. He exclaimed that he would much rather teach snowboarding in Chile for the rest of his life.

My other friend asked him why he didn't just do it. Why didn't he just pick up and leave? Not only was friend number 1 in his early-mid twenties, a prime time for irrational and impulsive behaviour, but if he hated his job so much what was the point? My second friend has been on exchange and she has since been advocating these kinds of opportunities.

Frankly, I didn't say much during this conversation. But I've had some time to process what was said and I have some thoughts about what it means to be radical and, conversely, what it means to be reckless. What is the difference? Are these two things mutually exclusive? If my friend were seriously contemplating quitting his job and doing "whatever he felt moved to do" would I encourage him to do it and herald him as someone who was bold? Would I aspire to be like him because he was not content to live in a bubble?

Being moderate in every single aspect of my life, I see both sides of the coin. Of course, being type B I am unable to come to a definitive conclusion, even regarding something as simple as my personal opinion, about whether someone should go where the wind takes them just because.

Let's lay down the cons.

Being stuck in a job that you hate:
- you don't feel fulfilled. You feel directionless
- you will always fantasize about the what ifs and if onlys
- you are not living life to the "fullest" (whatever that means)
- you are knowingly sheltering yourself from bigger opportunities

Going to hypothetical "Chile"
Although "going to Chile" would mean that you're "free" and "experiencing the world" and "becoming cultured" and "doing what means something to you" red flags start to fly in my mind. I am all about opportunity, but in this context and others like it, I feel as though we are ALL bought by the idea of experiencing the world; immersing yourself in other viewpoints and other cultures and beliefsystems, casting down all things that tie you down and living life to the fullest. However, I feel as though the rejection of bureaucratic tendencies and the embracing of a new kind of radical, whimsical living is completely ironic because we then become slaves to a new kind of ideology. We assume that those who have seen more are necessarily more cultured, more fulfilled. Those of us who have never strayed outside Canada are seen as sheltered, ignorant, held down. Because one has seen more and experienced more, they are living more fulfilled lives and their lives are, in essence, better than the guy who works in an office. I have major qualms about this. "Going to Chile," to me, seems so self-indulgent, selfish, worldly. We're lusting after things and we assume that it's fine because what we're lusting after isn't material. We're not lusting after things but experience which is totally different, right? Not even. It's the same damn thing. Worldiness is worldiness. Materialism just fits under the umbrella.

So how do you find the balance? How do you not get tied down by your daily menial tasks but not become self-indulgent? Is it simply about being more realistic? How much calculation and thought and reasoning should go into a decision before you make it? Do we only do things that make sense? Or do we jump first and figure the rest out later?

I've deliberately left out the notion of God's will in all of this. Just think; what would change if that notion was incorporated into your thought process?

one-handed softball player

2009-09-27T23:59:00.002-04:00

Today, I used about 1/2 a cup of curdled milk in my cereal and didn't realize it until later when i poured another glass for me to drink. My colon didn't explode. In fact, I felt no effects whatsoever.

But that's totally not what I'm writing about. Today, again, I played in a softball tournament with a bunch of Laurier and Waterloo students. There was one team that we faced where their pitcher had a deformed right hand (presumably since birth) that was utterly useless. When he pitched he didn't use a glove - he both caught and threw the ball with his left hand.

Not only did he pitch, but this guy batted. With one hand.

Not only did he pitch and bat, but this guy also played outfield. He had a glove on his left hand and if he caught the ball, he would wedge and hold his glove between his right arm and his body, grab the ball out of his glove with his left hand, and throw the ball to cutoff.

Not only did he pitch, bat, and field with one hand; he was also really good.

I didn't have the guts to go up to him afterwards, but I wanted to tell him how amazed and inspired I was by him. He came out of a position of physical advantage; he was probably made fun of as a kid; he probably struggled with a lot of self-confidence issues. But he didn't just make something good out of his situation, he excelled. And that's what's so amazing to me. Half the guys that I played with, who all had two functioning hands, probably couldn't play as well as this one-handed guy.

How can you NOT think of stewardship?

2009-09-23T02:37:00.005-04:00

Would you rather someone be a lapsed Christian (meaning that they once were hardcore but are now i don't even know what?) or someone be a total non-Christian (meaning they believe in God but that's about as far as they go when it comes to spiritual contemplation)?

I'd say the latter. I've been in utter turmoil for the last 2 hours because the frontman and drummer of my potentially-favourite-band-of-all-time-whose-cd-i-just-bought-and-listened-to-in-confusion-because-of-the-cryptic-lyrics are apparently no longer christian but self-proclaimed universalists. They were never a "christian" band, but there was obvious spirituality in their lyrics. This new album is full of cynicism and "i just don't know anymores" which breaks my heart. Is it BETTER to be a lapsed Christian or a non-and-never-was-Christian?

What happens when the Shepherd leaves his flock to go look for the lost sheep and comes back and the sheep we thought were safe have disappeared?

2009-07-24T17:20:00.003-04:00

I was at Faith Christian Books yesterday with a couple of friends when I began browsing a book which included 2 Tozer writings: How to be Filled with the Holy Spirit and The Counselor. Frankly, I can't remember the last time I read and finished a book about Christian life/living. While I was browsing through it, one sub-point caught my eye. One cannot pursue the Spirit through intellect. That hit me hard. I will be the first to admit that for the last four years I have been more fascinated about the study of Christianity than my own discipleship and growth in Christ. I've always known the difference and where my priority should lie but I always made excuses and tried to justify myself. I would argue Why can't God be known through studying academically? God is God, He reveals himself however he wants. We can't limit Him, there are so many dimensions to Him. But my wanton disregard for coming towards God clearly had a toll on me.

Anyways, back to the book. I was prepared to buy it because I really think that Tozer has great, practical stuff to say, when I came across a book containing the collection of Old Testament Apocrypha. I wanted it bad. I love this stuff. I looked at the two books together and it, literally, was like a battle. I wasn't willing to buy both because I wasn't willing to pay the exorbitant total for both. I had to choose. So, would it be Tozer, who warned against placing too much on the intellect? Or the Apocrypha which would nourish my mind and naught else more? I could have bought both. I really could have. But I lost that battle by choosing the Apocrypha, which I was quite happy with, but know that it is not what I need at the moment.

And then today, while I was doing prestudy for the Bonhoeffer Bible Study I'll be facilitating tonight, I read something ridiculous that really just made me want to bang my head against the wall. Jesus cannot be known through abstractions. Bonhoeffer says that the study of the historical Jesus, or even the dogmatic Jesus is useless and rather superfluous for our Christian walks. We need to know the Jesus that is personal, here, and now. I'm sitting here, shaking my head. I am convinced, but still unwilling to let go of the academic aspect. I, of all people, know not to take academe too seriously. In the end, it all breaks down and I have a feeling at the end of the age it's just a load of crap. But I can't let go enough to let it come down a notch on my list of priorities. Maybe it's a pride thing. I'm not the most insightful person in the world, but I work hard to read and it's an advantage that I feel like I have. Do I have to let go at all? Can I just bring my other Christian pursuits up a notch? I'm torn. I know the "right" answer but I just don't really want to face the music.

Religulous'd

2009-03-18T22:33:00.004-04:00

I just had a chance to watch Bill Maher's Religulous, a so-called documentary where he attempts to debunk religion and deduce our need for it as nothing more than a psychological disorder. This concept isn't a new one. I believe Freud was the first (or at least the most prominent) figure to speak of religion as a mental disorder.

Maher goes international in this movie, hitting up places like Amsterdam, the Vatican, Jerusalem, Megiddo, and England, in addition to sites in the U.S. such as Salt Lake City, The Holy Land Experience in Florida, and various other religious institutions throughout the country. He interviews people about their beliefs and asks them questions about their faith (questions about textual authenticity, scriptural literalism, how they know God exists, why religion and violence are so inextricably linked and other faith-based questions). Of course, the man has done his reading, and he rebuts everything that people say with, "but doesn't your faith believe ....." catching people off-guard and unable to defend themselves or their faiths. Some people, when they realize Maher's intent to disprove their beliefs, walk out on the interview.

The movie was funny. It really was. Maher is a funny guy. But did I find it offensive? A tad. Not because he has questions and not because he's a staunch atheist bent on the mass rejection of religion altogether. My biggest annoyance comes from his claim of filming a documentary. Personally, I hardly believe in the objective documentary anymore unless it's by the National Geographic and it's about meerkats and other wildlife. The people he interviews are not the most intelligent people. Of course, it's important to hit up the masses when determining public opinion and these people are the bodies of their respective religions. But really? He goes to a trucker-church, a church for truckers someplace down south and he "interviews" them about their faith. There is so much complexity to religion -that's one of the beauties of its collective. Faith can be simple and it can be ridiculously complex. So he asks these truckers some fairly tough questions, and he's ready with a rebuttal for almost every possible answer. Obviously, these men aren't theologians, so how are they expected to keep up? Maher smashes them to bits, and is obviously very smug because he feels as though he has won the battle. Well, duh.

He does interview some religious leaders however. They, sadly, generally do not fair much better than their layperson counterparts. I don't know whether it's because they're caught off guard or whether they're just dumb, I can't say. I was really disppointed in some of them, especially some of the Jewish and Muslim authorities who are generally supposed to be more scholarly (I'm pointing out the fact that Evangelicals just aren't that academically-minded. I'm not saying that they're dumb. I'm saying that the focus in the Protestant faith is generally not on the academic, it's on church building, ministry and so forth). But anyhow, everybody ends up looking kind of dumb and Maher of course celebrates gleefully.

But Maher has a larger objective/thesis that emerges near the end of the movie. He talks about violence and religion and how they're not just linked, but that religion causes violence. (I have a textbook I could lend him that might state otherwise) His bottom line is that if humanity is to survive, there must be a collective rejection of any form of religion. It's an interesting statement.

I've been learning about what makes a good paper and a good argument, one that would be accepted by academics. You need a counter argument. He does not have that. I've also learned what makes a bad argument. Selective evidence is one. He uses that. He interviews lay people who are not theologically-inclined, people who are well, just not that well informed, "politicians" who are religious observants and nothing more, crazy people (the Joel Osteen types, there's this one minister in the States who believes that he is both the descendent and manifestation of Jesus), those people who run that "God hates fags"church, etc. I have a hard time imagining that some the religious scholars/theologians, who are prominent in my mind, would have a problem answering well some of his questions. And lastly, he's far from objective. He doesn't approach the issue with respect. At every turn, he's making fun of the people and religions he's questioning. If his intention is to make people reject their religions I think it would hardly work. When I watched this, I was pretty infuriated at his lack of objectivity and respect for anything considered sacred for billions of people. One last thing, he really only targetted the big 3: Judaism, Christianity (most of all), and Islam. He talked about some fringe religions such as Scientology and some Marijuana religion but nothing more. He wasn't looking at things holistically.

Okay, enough about some of the flaws of the movie (there are just a few more, but I won't go into them). How does this make me feel? Well, I'm sad. I hate feeling intellectually and ideologically superior to people, but some of these people were not representing their faiths well. At all. They actually looked a little cuckoo. It was mostly those Christians down south. I wish, with all my heart, that people would inform themselves and not be ignorant about what they believe. And if they believe something, back it up - WHY do they believe it? So many times people just said, "I just know it in my heart." Not a good answer. Not to me anyway. I know postmodernism is about the realm of human experience, but sometimes, that just doesn't cut it. BACK IT UP.

Other than the laughs (some of it really is pretty freaking hilarious) I did get something out of this movie. I examined myself a little more which is something I haven't done in a long time. Self reflection and evaluation is so important and people forget about it. I asked myself, why do I believe? Why do I believe it? How do I know what I believe is right? That sort of thing. It's always important, especially when it comes to one's faith because it is what DRIVES a person, it's what gives life MEANING.

So anyway, Religulous = good entertainment (like hilarious), poor journalism (the man's a comedian, and not a religious scholar. I'm offended on that level alone), some flawed thinking, but some good questions that one needs to consider. I recommend it. Despite hating "documentaries" such as Jesus Camp, Religulous, and What Would Jesus Buy because they're just so damn biased, I always recommend them to people. Don't be afraid to look at something that might poke fun of what you believe. It's always a learning step. Honestly, I blame Michael Moore for starting all these politically charged documentaries. I love it but I hate it.

tired and grumpy

2009-03-16T00:55:00.002-04:00

pourquoi est-il a pube dans le sink????

also, funny story. i'm trying to shrink one of my tshirts and i planned to google "shrinking cotton shirts" but accidentally dropped the "t" in the "shirts". whoops. teeeeheeeehahahahahaha

recluse

2009-03-08T19:50:00.002-04:00

I find that whenever I have school or any type of stress that might bog me down, I become a hermit, a recluse. I don't like seeing people, don't like talking to them, and when I do, it's short, sweet and to the point. I take after my parents. It doesn't help that I'm not that social to begin with, I enjoy being by myself, doing my own thing. So stress, on top of this predisposition to be a hermit, makes me disappear.

But this is no good. This is not how people are supposed to be. It's easy to say, "oh, that's just the way I am, that's how my personality is." That's an excuse, an easy way to neglect responsibilities and neglect friends. I can't tolerate it anymore. I'm starting to see some of my relationships deteriorate because I'm not investing in them. This must stop.

STOP. In the name of love, before you break my heart... love it. there's a song for every occasion.

2009-02-28T14:20:00.002-05:00

I hate Katy Perry, but this sums up how i feel...

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you change your mind like a girl I would know

...yeah, I'm talking to you, weather.....
why am I complaining? It was 12 degrees a few days ago...in FEBRUARY. but today is -14. Oh, THAT'S why I'm complaining...

and the list gets longer....

2009-01-27T21:00:00.003-05:00

So the new year has started. I've already failed at my resolutions.
I tried again to break old habits by making those resolutions again (plus a few extras) with the start of the Chinese new year - massive fail. (its only been 2 days, mind you)
So...the next big up and coming event...LENT!
Hopefully I fare better with breaking bad habits (and cultivating new, good ones) with the help of some religious incentive.

waterloo is bad for your health!!!

2009-01-09T15:11:00.002-05:00

so i've been back for a week after needing a month of toronto water to restore my pimply skin to a satisfactorily-unpimply level. a week. and i'm full of pimples. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. =(

work work work break work work work

2008-11-23T19:06:00.003-05:00

he also does mulan's "i'll make a man out of you." love love love love love it. digression over.

oh dear

2008-11-13T02:12:00.005-05:00

So it's that time of the year again. If I were ever to kill myself now would be the time. Arts is for suckers. Let me share with you my schedule for next week.

Tuesday
10-12 page paper due on Freudian themes in prayer

Wednesday
8-10 page paper due on Hamas and Jihad
15-20 page paper on zoomorphic motifs in Philistine religion during the late Iron Age
(+ a 15 minute presentation on that topic, + a quiz in that same class on Early and Mid-Iron age sites in Palestine)

Thursday
1-hr seminar on Heterosexism in contemporary culture
Poster Presentation on cyber religion
Quiz on Ephesians and Colossians.

and that's just next week. this week ain't even over (someone needs to shoot me)

and what else? i've rediscovered youtube. and myspace. yes, i love those wannabe musicians who do covers.
there are the ones that you stop watching after half a second cause the video quality is bad, there're those who you stop watching after 10 seconds because you realize that they can't actually sing
there are the ones who you try to sit through because they're alright but you stop cause you get bored
and then, PERIODICALLY, there are the ones you like cause they make everything look easy.
these are the ones who make me want to be a youtube musician. ahaha. yes, i've thought about posting videos of me singing up cause i'm lame. anyway, enough time wasted.

haircut rant

2008-11-02T17:02:00.002-05:00

I got a haircut today because I'm getting my grad photos done this Wednesday. I have only been happy once in recent memory after receiving a haircut. All the other twenty something times have ended in tears or anger. Why is it that people just can't cut hair? I'm pretty sure that it's not me being picky - believe me, I'm completely fine with going out in public with hair like a horse's mane - unkempt and flying everywhere. But these haircuts that I get - they're just ugly. And I can't take it anymore. I always vow to refrain from cutting my hair ever again. Clearly those vows always fall short but I'm just angry that I couldn't get a decent haircut - especially THREE days before I need to take my grad pics. Like, seriously? Is there NO ONE who can cut hair on this planet?

Maybe it's not about the hair. Maybe it's the fact that taking these photos is a tangible representation of the death of my university career. Maybe it's about the grad photos themselves and what they represent. I'm scared. I'm disillusioned. I feel hopeless sometimes. It's easy to say that God will provide - heck, I've been saying that for four years. But now that the end is so near and there is still no direction, no obvious opportunities, no personal ambitions, no guidance, no voice of God in my ear to point me in the right direction it's easy to ask what the point is. What IS the point? Is there a point? Or is it a free-for-all, the hugest melee ever? Shucks, this sucks. I'm suffering most right now because there's no motivation for me to do anything at all. And when I mean anything at all, I mean ANYTHING. My life is one huge escapist act.

I have people to keep me accountable. People to encourage me. But everything continues to feel hollow and inadequate, no offense to those who have been counselling me. But I definitely feel like I'm alone in this. I'm not going to proclaim that I'm special because I know a bunch of other people are feeling the exact same thing that I'm feeling. But it's like we're all alone in our own battles. It's not something that someone else can help us fight. We're on our own. Ever wonder why the voice of God seems mute?

discovering truth by lack of focus

2008-07-19T12:34:00.002-04:00

So it turns out that you can discover things in your subconscious. Lately, I've been doing a lot of reading at work on Opera revenues and attendance trends, etc. and it literally bores me to death. After about 20 seconds I'll lose focus and just stare blankly at the screen. The surprising thing, however, is that I'll suddenly see a word out of the corner of my eye that really doesn't fit with the article that I'm reading.

For instance, the word "joker" jumped out at me. I scanned the article regarding personnel expenses to make sure I wasn't seeing things, and it turned out that, in fact, i was. there was no "joker" to be found. No juxtaposed words in combination even resemble said word. Sometimes it's different words, names of people, names of places. Most of the stuff that I find are often obvious and easily interpreted, ie. joker = me wanting to watch dark knight. but other things are less obvious and I have to struggle to understand where they come from. Like one time, I found "haemophiliac". WERID, HUH?

of course I don't look very much into this. I believe that the stuff i see mirrors (to an extent) the things that dwell in my subconscious, but it's more fun and games than anything. It's sad though, when I see some words that don't want to be seeing because they're things that I don't want to be thinking about. Jerk words. But then I'll get something like "candycane" and it makes everything better. haha.

no hope in humanity

2008-06-28T14:16:00.003-04:00

Having lost whatever hope i have in the human race, i turn to venting. I'm mad as hell.

I'm not going to relay the entire story to you, but long story short: family friend gets beaten and robbed at FMP in the middle of the day with MANY witnesses who do nothing to help despite a very prolonged beating and desperate cries for help.

There are the doers - the people who actively seek to harm others for their own selfish benefits. These people, we all know, are scum.

But I have a bigger beef with the people who just watched. These are everyday, normal "relatively good people." That's crap. These people are just as bad as the evil doers because they're enablers, enabling people to let other people hurt each other. What's worse is that they're hypocrites. Full of crap. I understand that there's this thing in psych about crowd mentalities that inhibits people from acting in emergencies. That's because they "expect" someone else to do something. Even to our core, we're innately and biologically scum.

I'm seething with anger (couldn't you tell?), mostly at these people, but also humanity because I know that we're all like that some way or another. I sit here saying that there's no doubt that I would have been moved into acting. But in reality, who am I to say? It all ends up being hypothetical to me because I wasn't actually there.

Yet, God chose to die. for us. the scum of the universe. Why? It's ludicrous, unreasonable, illogical. I'm bursting inside trying to fathom it.

There's also a second part to this for me to admit something, which indicates that I'm just as bad as the above-listed. There was a guy at Kennedy station yesterday, this greasy-looking middle-aged man who took out a wad of cash out and started counting it. Let me tell you, it was a LARGE wad of cash at least 20-30 crisp twenties. He was doing it slowly, with people all around, almost begging us to envy him or something along those lines. I thought to myself, what a douche. he deserves to be robbed or something.

So there you have it. I'm as big of a scumbag as everyone else. We're all scum. I'm being cynical and hateful and mean and unforgiving. But you need to realize that before Grace truly means the world.

ahhh fail.

2008-06-17T21:14:00.002-04:00

I failed. And its only day two. I saw all this beginning to unravel last night. I caculated the total and realized that i had eaten about 55 cents worth of food - grainish gruel in the morning, and half a can of beans with sardines in the evening. All that goodness cost me 55 cents and I was STILL starving. Mom tempted me with some crepes too, saying that she'd "treat" me.

I had my doubts before I went to bed, but I was determined to make it til Friday. This morning, however, after my usual sweaty, awkward-looking workout I was incredibly tempted to eat the fruit sitting on the counter and almost did, thinking that no one would know. Oh boy, did I want to cheat. Honestly, it wouldn't affect anyone but myself. It wasn't an issue of morality, I didn't make a pact with anyone, not with God, only myself. I had decided earlier that if I felt physically unwell that I'd break this thing that I was doing, but I wasn't feeling ill, so I couldn't do anything about it.

For "dinner," which was actually around 4 because I was so hungry, I had the same gloppy mess of beans and sardines which, in all honesty, I wanted to throw up. The sardines were so incredibly sketch. And so incredibly disgusting and unappetizing. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually a fan of canned fish, and I do enjoy sardines from time to time, but something about the fishy smell today made me oddly nauseated. I ate it, of course, but the thought of doing it again made me uncomfortable.

Still hungry, and still having "overspent" I just drank water to fill my poor tummy. Sad and depressed, my parents offered me steak and I said yes.

So, what did I learn? A bunch of things. I think I failed because my heart wasn't in it. I'm not saying that I never meant to go through with it all, because I did. I was too bound to the things of this world. But then again, was what I did even absolutely necessary? Either I tried to prove a point which really didn't need proving or I tried to prove a point going about it the wrong way. My reason for doing this was to give up the things of this world that bind me to the world. It was about my frivolity, my gluttony, my whatever-elses.

Ahh, anyway, I failed. And interestingly enough, I'm not devestated. I think somewhere along the way I lost my conviction to do this. I'm still convicted about the cause and the bottom line, but this particular exercise, I wasn't so convicted about. I don't know. At the same time It's disappointing because my failure illustrated my character. I'm feeling mixed emotions about this and I need some time to sort this out. Hmm....

44 cents a day.

2008-06-10T14:25:00.003-04:00

I subscribe to a newsletter from a group called Beyond Borders which is a missions-oriented foundation operating in Haiti. Every month I receive an update on the work that has been done in Haiti by local and overseas missionaries. This month's update was particularly alarming and saddening. With the world's economy in a bit of trouble now (thank you corn) the price of produce has risen dramatically. However, most of the world's income per capita has not risen at all. Haiti's average per capita income is 44 cents a day. 44 cents to pay for water, shelter, clothing, fuel....that's 44 cents to survive. Many families go a day or two at a time without a meal. This extreme poverty comes as no surprise as Haiti's dependence on imported produce has grown exponentially over the last 20 years. The country used to be self-sufficient in this area but the greed of various corporations and the American government (*see end of post for details) has successfully killed this reality. This is not only a matter of hunger, but of justice.

Next week, starting Monday and ending Friday, I will subsist on only 44 cents a day for food. I know that standards of living vary and the standard of living in Canada is much higher than Haiti, but I think it important for me to do this as an act of solidarity. I've decided I'm not going to include water in this, considering how difficult it is for me to calculate such things - so i get to drink tap water to my heart's content. 5 days, $2.20 to spend (not just "spend". The value of items bought prior to the start of Monday counts as well, so if I eat a can of tuna that I bought last week, that's 89 cents). This amount includes whatever i might spend on miscellaneous items. (minus gas....it's just not possible)

What do I hope to achieve? It's not just a matter of trying to starve myself so I feel more "in tune" with the sufferings of this world. That's bull. Solely changing my mental state does nothing for Christ's kingdom or people. We need action! So I've averaged the amount of money I spend in a regular week (I'm not telling you the ridiculous amount) and that will go to Haiti instead of into my stomach or wherever else. In addition, this will teach me how to let go of the things of this world, including food. It's like an "everything-material-fast". I've been thinking about materialism lately and how I so easily dish out money. 13 bucks for a 6-pack of beer, 3 bucks for a bottle of juice, 25 bucks for AYCE sushi, 40 bucks for a bag that I don't even like. (Thank you, John Knight) It's absurd and ridiculous, and we don't even realize it.

So here we go. It'll be rocky and I know I'll be grumpy and irritable. But here we go.

** in 1986, Haiti freed itself from dictatorship that had been supported by the US. They were bankrupt. Washington agreed to give them conditional aid granted that they cut foreign rice-tariffs down to 3.5 percent (tariffs protect local industries). The average international average for rice tariffs is 43 percent (are you effing kidding me?) Haitian farmers couldn't compete with American rice producers and many were forced out of business. With the rise of international food prices today, in theory, Haitian farmers should be able to return to business. The reality is, however, that farmers have lost their lands and irrigation canals have crumbled because of years of neglect (there was no point in farming rice).

giving has never felt this ridiculous

2008-05-18T18:19:00.006-04:00

Jaffray has a Victoria Day celebration every year - we call it "family fun day". This year church members donated things that we would auction off today that would go towards subsidizing kids who wanted to go to our summer camp. But because of the earthquake in China the church decided to absorb the camp fees and instead have all the proceeds go towards the earthquake victims (which is quite noble, i must say) (unfortunately, Burma wasn't included in this for obvious reasons.)

The auction took all afternoon and some of the items donated caused people to bid rather intensely against each other. For example, a bathroom fan went for some four hundred dollars and some home-stitched artwork went for close to seventy dollars a piece. I think people paid more than they would have normally been willing to pay because of where the proceeds were going. But of course, there are always things that are donated that people just don't even think twice about bidding - I mean, even though you're giving to a good cause, it IS an auction and people still want to get something that they'd actually appreciate. Otherwise it's like picking up junk.

Luckily for me, i didn't really have too much competition when it came to the items that i bid for. *AHAHAHAHHA. deep breath...recomposed =) Okay, i spent the most ridiculous seven dollars ever. Caving into peer pressure I bid on and won two lots. I had to hide them from my mother when i got home because i definitely would've received a slap upside the head if she saw what i came home with. HERE THEY ARE:

ITEM #1 STATIC DUSTER. Cost: $6

Hmmm....at least I'll be more motivated to clean? This set of dusters promises to "clean like magic" by utilizing static properties that traps dust and forces it to stick to the specialized fibres. It's like the precursor to the swiffer cloth. But seriously, I'm convinced that the dusters are at least ten years old. Technically, my mom should be proud that I'm taking the initiative to tidy up. The other day when she prayed for dinner she asked God to encourage me to look after my personal hygiene. Are you friggin kidding me? Of course I didn't say anything, and I'm not sure what she meant by "personal hygiene" exactly...it's not like i don't shower on a regular basis. I know I'm kind of a bum right now, but I'm certainly not cultivating disease. Anyway, this purchase was ridiculous simply because I paid six dollars for a set of glorified feather dusters.

Lot #2 A PAIR OF PICTURES DATING TO THE 1970s. Cost: $1

Ridiculous because....duh!!!! 'Nuff said. AHAHAH...."Be. Do. Have." Yes, i know it's supposed to be an inspirational message, but what sort of consumeristic attitude is this plaque trying to deliver? Good thing I took it...it certainly won't be falling into the hands of any impressionable youth anytime soon (...maybe my parents' next garage sale).

Despite the stuff that I acquired from the church auction that i'll a) never in my life use and b) never EVER in my life hang up on my wall, it was a good day. The English congregation and the Chinese are often so segregated that having these events and being able to mingle with the other brothers and sisters in our church is always a plus. Having fellowship together...as a WHOLE church is really important to me, and at least today we were able to come together and pool our resources for such an important and critical cause. Still....ridiculousness....

2008-03-30T12:03:00.002-04:00

cheers to me for being a big suck. i walk into a room and the people in it stop talking - like sucking the life out of a gobstopper. love it.

obsessed

2008-03-16T13:33:00.004-04:00

Have you ever been so obsessed with someone or something that you can't stop thinking about it no matter how hard you tried? The thought of this thing consumes your complete being; you can't focus when you're studying, everything else in the world just seems so 'blah,' you're not joyful anymore, and your life becomes very much a shadow of your former self. It's because you're obsessed. Your desire for this thing is just so intense, it's really quite ungodly. How do you deal? I'm having trouble dealing. I keep telling myself, "Just be patient, just be patient. You'll make it. God will provide in due time. God sees your stuggles" But it continues to infiltrate you, penetrating your thoughts, emotions, and even your dreams. But you're also afraid. What if my desire is finally fulfilled and it doesn't live up to my expectations?

In a week's time, there will be the biggest party in my stomach that the world has ever seen. I bought a roast.

2008-03-04T17:55:00.003-05:00

Ever feel like you continue to give in a relationship but the person you're giving to never responds?

Well, I feel like I'm doing that right now. I feel like I'm giving for the both of us, with regards to this person - let's just call him/her "person". haha. I try to talk, I try to be nice, I try to initiate conversations and make person feel comfortable - but no response. maybe it's my social awkwardness - but i've never had THIS much of a problem before...periodically I'll get something, something small - like a smile, but usually i get nothing. it's pretty pathetic. I'm not normally one to initiate, but I've come to realize my need to be liked by people - even if it's just nominally. But i really think that person doesn't like me and i can't figure out why.

anyway, i'm getting tired of doing all the initiating. soon i'll give up and just let it be.

monday, february 18, 2008

2008-02-18T16:33:00.002-05:00

this weekend was MOMENTOUS. What happened at LCCF retreat was the boiling point for my little pot that had been on the stove for a while.

I will not share at this very moment in that I'm still reeling from it and i need to collect my thoughts.

but, this i'll say to God:

"You made me, You moved me, now mould me...."

that is all. for now.

2008-01-30T01:51:00.000-05:00

I've decided to add another new year's resolution to my already long list.

RESOLUTION #16: be more vocal.

I used to be high-strung, easily angered, loud, obnoxious. (i still am to some extent, but much less so now) I've mellowed out. A LOT. As a result, i don't talk unless i have some great burning desire to talk and i don't get excited easily anymore. i no longer laugh a lot. i chuckle periodically because i'm amused with something, but i can't remember the last time that i laughed really hard. i'm too contained. people think i'm disinterested or dispassionate. and that's not really true. i'm just too "mellow". but clearly, mellowness in this context is not a good thing. it's my shield, my armour (like james bond. ha) that protects me from a lot of things. time to take some off. maybe just a few layers for now. but i've gotta start somewhere.

b-b-b-bored

2008-01-18T21:46:00.000-05:00

me + no tv = crazy, right? but yes, it is true. i've given up television for the ENTIRE term as a type of fast/sacrifice that the LCCF committee has decided to partake in (but the object being fasted varies from person to person). No lost, no office, no how i met your mother, no arrested development reruns, no OC on much music, no design inc., no nothing - including movies.

Let's just hope that this writer's strike lasts a little bit longer.

2008-01-13T17:45:00.000-05:00

So every once in a while for a period ranging from 24 hours to a week, i get depressed. For no reason that I can think about except for a possible chemical imbalance in my brain. I don't experience some traumatic or devastating event, my sleeping/eating patterns are no different, I get enough sun, enough air, enough human socialization. As a result it's hard to understand why I get these bouts of extreme sadness. It might stem from boredom - but I'm always bored but not always "sad". I'm not clinically depressed or anything. My parents just say that I'm very sensitive and very "driven" by feelings and emotions. Whatever, regardless of the reason, the truth is that I do get depressed periodically. And when I'm in these moods, It's like I'm not even alive.

So anyway, I've been feeling off lately. Today was a bad day - like a really bad one. I couldn't function properly, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to be left alone so that I could listen to music and brood. And I couldn't pinpoint a reason as to why I was feeling this way. I tried to push it aside and be happy - most of the time, feelings are psychological and depend solely upon perception. But today I had no luck. So I looked up ways to combat this debilitating psychological ailment. I came across all this scientifically-based website which talked about serotonin and chemically imbalances in the brain and so forth. I didn't try to understand half the jargon, but basically, this is what I got from these sites: eat food that is rich in serotonin - Walnuts.

So, is this the key to emotional and psychological euphoria? WALNUTS? At the same time, if eating walnuts will up the serotonin levels in my brain thus effectively raising my mood level, then I'm all for it. I'll eat them by the truckload. But then is it like using drugs? The term "drug" has an unfavourable stigma attached to it. But is it REALLY wrong to rely on these sorts of stimulants? Sure, people might say that dependence on these things is clearly "addiction" and that our reliance on these stimulants is harmful for ourselves. But at the same time, you're trying to rectify a problem that needs to be fixed otherwise you'll come to harm anyway. Ha, I've suddenly genuinely smiled for the first time to today. Basically, my question is this: Should I stuff my face with walnuts when I'm sad or should I just trudge along, letting my sadness run its course naturally (when my brain finally decides to up the serotonin)?

2008-01-02T17:06:00.000-05:00

:( marks are up. i'm all over the board.

the end of an era. hopefully.

2007-12-12T11:21:00.000-05:00

There comes a time in every ambitious slacker's life where "I'm not stupid, just lazy" doesn't cut it anymore. That time has come for me. It's time to shed my fat, grubby, larva of a self and become...a moth (i don't like butterflies) and fly away and achieve the things that I know I can, but just have trouble focusing on that cause I'm too busy (literally and metaphorically) eating. C+ no more (yes that's right. see-plus)! B- no more! B no more! (well, maybe we'll allow for some Bs). No more of this "I'll start studying for tomorrow's exam tomorrow morning". Change starts now. Die, slacker!

But there is another matter. Conviction. What is it? Where is it in my life? I've never been convicted about something for more than a month. My mom calls me this thing in Chinese, something about losing heat or steam really quickly. I've started so many things with conviction and ended them half-assedly (not a word). Sad. Let's just hope that my wings don't fall off and that I don't crawl back into that cocoon of mine in 2 week's time. If you're reading this keep me accountable will you?

notaplug

2007-11-23T19:28:00.000-05:00

No, this isn't a plug for hyundai. I think that this is the best commercial that i've ever seen that didn't at all convince me to covet the object being marketed.

Lately i've been disappointed, left, right, and centre, by the lack of committment. From people. In general. You would think that when it comes to Christ, His Church, and His People, there'd be a different story. But from my observations, this isn't the case. People don't know what it means to be committed anymore.

Maybe i'm over-generalizing. I'm sure there are some people who REALLY commit and it just doesn't work out. But can the majority of quitters say that without lying through their teeth? I don't know. Think about it.

don't push it . . .

2007-11-15T01:08:00.001-05:00

so i've never "evangelized" to anyone before. I let people know that I'm a Christian, I act with as much integrity that I can muster, and I drop in a line about church once in a while. But I never mention "God". There's none of this "God helps me get through this and that" business. Why? I've always been nervous about putting people off Christianity if I come on too strong and I've always believed in leading by example. You act the way that Jesus wants you to act, people will ask you why right? That happens, sometimes. Most of the time, no. And in those circumstances you must be more deliberate with your words. But sometimes, it DOES happen. And then, you gotta run like the wind with it.

Just today, I was talking to my friend on msn about the midterm we'll have tomorrow. She said, "I'm really sorry if I'm taking up your studying time" (or something to that effect) and I said, "Heck, no worries. I know I've bothered tons of people for help." She was like, "no one says heck anymore." And then I went on to say something like, "Well, I used to swear a lot but then I realized it wasn't classy, and blah, blah, blah, it was a really bad habit, so I prayed about it and I was able to overcome it." and then, to myself, I was like, "OH CRAP. I'VE PUSHED IT TOO FAR. I used the word PRAY! CRAP. i hope it's not too in-your-face-Christianity"."

Believe it or not, she didn't get weirded out...well, not over msn at least. I have no idea what she mightve actually thought when she read what i wrote. She said, "yeah, i understand what you mean. it's cool to see someone think like that, and feel so deeply about it." Tah-dah!!! It's not like she converted or anything, but it reminded me that God is God. He's GOD for crying out loud! He's awesomely-crazy! He gives you these opportunities, not so that you can water down Christianity, but that you can USE them. Otherwise, what good does any of it do right?

I know, now, that I can increase my "churchy" vocabulary a little to include words such as "God," "prayer," and "faith," at least around her. If you have a whim like i did, run with it. If someone's "weirded out" by it, whatever, they'll get over it eventually. hopefully. And if not...lol, pray about it?

damn english

2007-10-29T15:33:00.001-04:00

so i've been writing a paper about the dangers of cults on individuals and the psychological methods they use to recruit new members. i've been trying to talk about various cult leaders and their followers. but because i'm using general terms, i've been referring to them in singular terms. i.e. "the cult leader and his followers." the only problem is that the term "he" is clearly no longer acceptable because there's no telling, unless i'm using a specific case, that the leader is male. it's like how we changed mankind to humankind and man-made to human-made. i just can't use "he" anymore. So that leads me to the question: WHY CAN'T THERE BE A SINGULAR, GENDERLESS PRONOUN IN ENGLISH?

i mean, i COULD say at the beginning of my essay that all cult leaders, unless specified, will be referred to as male. but i think that sounds nicht-so-gut. it's not fair. i mean, hebrew and german and chinese and i'm guessing many other languages have this singular, genderless pronoun that i yearn to use, but why not english? bahh, oh right, cause the english language is ridiculous.

Or maybe the system is ridiculous. Is it really degrading to women to use the term "mankind"? Personally, i don't care whether we use politically- or gender-correct terms or not as long as it makes my life easy. gosh. they don't have this type of problem in other languages. stupid western world and their "correctness".

2007-09-26T16:17:00.001-04:00

fseriously. i can't take this.

2007-09-26T15:57:00.000-04:00

ack. frustration. everywhere.

in the words of GOB, "i've made a huge mistake. . . "

8 hours away and stressed like no tomorrow

2007-06-25T07:31:00.000-04:00

current {dissatisfied} thoughts:
- i'm tired.
- i've been playing in the dirt. i have dirt in my socks, underwear and ears
- i'm too trowel happy. i dig too deep too often.
- the office of the registrar can go jump off a bridge. i can't register for courses
- i have to wash pottery that smells like butt crack in an hour
- i couldn't sleep last night because mosquitos were biting the bottom of my feet and it was near 35 degrees C
- it was 125 degrees farenheit today, which i am unable to convert
- the arab guy sitting next to me at this internet cafe is singing along to jojo's "get out"
- i've never worked so hard in my entire life and sometimes i want to give up

current {satisfied} thoughts:
- i saw a goat wearing a n apron/shirt (idunno) over its udders. apparently goats who are nursing do that. and these goats are ugly to the max.
- there are kids playing soccer in an empty lot nearby. it's like a world cup plug
- i dont need to focus on looking good. all the archaeologists here look like bums. it's the look of authenticity. my nails have cracked and i don't care. i smell and i don't care. if i DID care, i should start looking for another program
- i'm not sure whether i actually like field archaeology and that's okay. i'm not worried cause i'm not in charge here.
- i no longer need my immodium
- a can of fanta costs 40 cents AT MOST. i bought a jar of nutella for 1.50 CAD
- people aren't always here to screw you over.
- there's a mosque microphone next to our hotel window that wakes us up with a call to prayer at 3:45 am just in case we accidentally sleep in. and it doesn't sound terrible.
- i haven't had the energy to read my bible. BUT - i realize that i need to make that energy and am determined to do so
- i haven't been hit by a car while crossing the street (speed limits and lanes do not exist here.)
- kids here are cute. even when they're mobbing you
- i went to the MECCA MALL - i ate sbarro for lunch and had mars gelatto
- my body has gotten over its initial pain and i no longer feel like i'm 80 years old
- i got free ice cream because the store didn't have change

clearly the good outweighs the bad. i'm satisfied.

2007-05-30T22:30:00.001-04:00

time to fire my hair dresser and start cutting my own hair. . .

2007-05-28T19:10:00.000-04:00

i think it's cause i'm bored, or maybe cause i sleep too much - but it happens at least once a summer - i get "sad". I'm not going to say "depressed" cause that's reaal emo, real...scary, so i'll just say i feel "sad". Dunno why, i'm clearly not UV deficient or anything like that. It must be my sleeping habits. and my eating habits. and the fact that i refuse to step foot off my house's property line if i can help it. i'll just say it. I'm a hermit. YAY!!! that felt good. don't be surprised if i start drinking my own urine soon. (mmm....pee pee.)

but anyhow, talk about some SERIOUSLY DISAPPOINTING SEASON FINALES (hey, i don't leave the house, what else do i do but watch tv?). Ugly Betty (which i follow because i like the clothes) was hugely disappointing, mostly because Santos dies (what a pity). Don't even get me started on Heroes. Absolutely....not going to say it. I mean, cmon, do they take the fans for idiots? And Grey's, seriously? No closure, no nothing. Lost...ok, i suppose. I expected more but it'll do. I like the flash-forward, although i can't imagine having to deal with flash-backs AND flash-forwards for 2 whole seasons.....all in all, tv has disappointed me.

On the upside, i DID get a cool hat...A hat that i would never ever wear in public unless i was in turkey, but i still quite like wearing it around the house when i vacuum.

Ummm...what else? (this is turning into a longer post than originally expected) OH, i'm having some lccf withdrawal. I'm dreaming about lccf people. No, i will not share details because it'll embarrass people - i mean REALLY embarrass people (like non-dating lccf people getting married and stuff. HA!).

Last thought - with my jordan/egypt trip approaching, i'm getting more and more nervous. i'm a big baby and things like going on a plane by myself scares me - i think it wouldn't be too bad if it were some place english speaking, but the middle east is completely foreign to me. AHHHH... june 15....it's-a-comin.....

riad

2007-04-10T14:33:00.000-04:00

OHH EMM GEE.

props to me for discovering a new obsession just 4 hours before my archaeological theory final. I've always loved architecture and interior design. when i was a kid i used to beg my dad to drive through the expensive neighbourhoods whenever we went downtown so that i could look at the pretty houses.

When i went to Morocco last winter, we were guided around the medina of Marrekech by the sketchiest tour-guide EVAR. We really just picked him off the street and he lead us around to some of the shadiest places that i have ever seen. When he realized that we weren't buying stuff from the gift shops that paid him commission, he dumped us in the middle of nowhere. BUT, that's not the point...the point is my obsession. one place that he did bring us was to this "family owned inn" sorta thing called a Riad which means palace or castle or something like that. But it was gorgeous. It was like a big house in the middle of the market, with no defining exterior features - but inside....it was honestly like a palace. the architecture and design of it all - almost made me pee myself.

so i was looking at my archaeology notes and i suddenly had an urge to google "riad". Probably a ploy from Satan or something. lol...don't worry, i didn't spend TOO much time looking. i'm ready for this exam so i thought 30 minutes of break wouldn't do me too much harm (perhaps a bad assumption). But ANYWAY....you MUST SEE.

no time to post pictures, LOOK:
http://www.riadsmorocco.com

LOL, it's like i'm advertising. But honestly, if you love Moroccan culture as much as i do, and you melt over design and architecture or WHATEVER. you'll pee your pants as i almost did. I'm a bigger fan of the more authentic looking ones - not the ones that have been recently renovated with high end sinks and chocolate coloured furniture - i'm talking REAL authentic, the one's actually owned by Moroccans.

reaching out?

2007-04-06T04:32:00.000-04:00

It's almost 4am and i've been unable to sleep.

I've notice something. There are a couple people that I'm sort of indifferent to. These people are my friends, but the friendship is not deep, and there isn't a whole lot that I would talk to them about. I'm not happy with this situation, yet I haven't done anything about it. Then there's one person who i utterly dislike. More recently than ever, but it's surprising how quickly your perception of someone changes. What's the purpose of me telling you that there are people that i genuinely dislike? It shows that it's not always easy. Personalities clash - but hopefully i'll make it clear, that you MUST GET OVER IT. (stop being a diva)

but talking about people that i don't like isn't the purpose of this blog.

I've been lying in my bed for the last hour and a half, thinking about the disunity happening at lccf and jaffray. Look, it's not "disunity" in that we can't function and we all hate each other, it's the "disunity" (i'm redefining it) that happens when there are some people who are indifferent to another, or when people just don't talk to each other. It's not very clear, but hopefully it will be in a bit.

I remember one instance with the jaffrays, we were at destiny's one time. And there were two tables. I distinctly noticed who was sitting at which table. There was an obvious clique vibe in the air. I didn't like it. Now, this might not be true, but I like to think of myself as someone who can hang out with anyone and have a good time. But it seems as though not everyone is willing to put themselves out there and get to really know other people - especially the people they've "seen around" for years and years. Now, there isn't anything wrong with "cliques". Because it shows that you have a stronger bond with some people more than others, which is totally fine. My problem, however, is that we're not emulating the Acts 2 church. Sure, I'm sure that people in the church in acts had some friends who were closer and some who were not. That would make complete sense. But in the end, they still saw each others as brothers and sisters. What does that mean? That although they did not necessarily become intimate (not sexually, obviously) with each other, they could easily do that should they feel the need to.

We are not emulating the church as it was meant to be. We are not the church as it was meant to be.

People don't reach out to those they don't talk to. At all. I've noticed this. I, of all people, will confess to this. I haven't been as outgoing as I should be. When I am comfortable in my surroundings, i do not fancy leaving them. But if you look closely, there are people who are on the fringes. They feel okay with us, but they do not feel overly welcomed. And I will repeat: THEY ARE ON THE FRINGES. How? They are either non-christians, or they are professed christians who do not feel completely comfortable with their OWN CHURCH. What is our duty, our purpose, our mission, as Christians? Not to socialize with each other amongst ourselves, but to make disciples, GROW SOME [damn] FRUIT, for heavens' sake.

So back to the story. There were the people who were outgoing, professed Christians sitting at one table (it was 2 round tables, pushed together, btw) while the quiet, (perhaps my perception is skewed, but i think i have some good observational skill) seemingly less secure people were at the other table, conversation almost dead, non existent. If I were a non-christian who sat at the quiet table, I'd probably be turned off FOREVER. it only takes a little bit of perceived rejection and it may be game over. So my question is this: is it a difficult thing to sacrifice 2 hours of stupid talk with "close friends" and instead spend those 2 hours getting to know someone who God has maybe set on your heart?

I have to admit, I've always seen the need for outreach. But not since Urbana have I felt so convicted to do it than when i started blogging 20 minutes ago. Even with all the bible studies that i've lead....the feeling to outreach wasn't OVERWHELMING until i pictured a real scenario where outreach was absolutely necessary. Think about it. 2 hours or eternity?

2007-03-18T19:50:00.000-04:00

just some thoughts that i want to write down before i forget.

- i've forgotten that i'm antisocial. the last little while i've forced myself to be really outgoing (well, "really" compared to what i'm used to) and i've realized how much i miss being by myself. is that bad?

- my dream job: work at the ROM - even though they're as anal as those UTSG dopes (!haha!). just going through the website for the tenth time this week has made me realize how much i love the museum and ancient history (even though it does NOTHING concrete for society except give it that eensy bit more culture. and notions of "culture" and "culturedness" are so superficial). i need to go again (such a nerd, i know)

the philosophy of religion

2007-03-04T18:43:00.000-05:00

One of the classes i'm taking right now - the Philosophy of Religion - has a pretty self-explanatory title - it talks about religion and the philosophical arguments for and against a number of different premises.

I liked this course at first. I was like, "Oh, this'll be so cool cause I'll learn the different philosophical arguments that argue for and confirm what i already believe." Of course, I was prepared to hear the attacks on theism and the nature of God and the immaculate conception and stuff and was actually a little psyched. So we started off with arguments for/against the existence of God and then moved on to the world order and whether God created the earth and then we moved on to evolution. Our current unit is about the existence of evil and what sort of implications that has.

Sounds interesting? It was...at first. Now I just hate the class. Not because it bashes Christianity or anything (i'm quite convinced that my prof is a Christian) but just because the arguments go BACK and FORTH and BACK and FORTH and BACK and FORTH. GOSH. SO BORRINGG. I can't take it anymore. The battle is mainly between christian and atheist philosophers and it always goes back to the existence of God. And it's just, "Uhghhhghghg, not HERE AGAIN?!?!?!?!" And none of the arguments are particularly well put, both share an equal number of disgusting and unconvincing arguments. I have to admit, that i learned a couple of cool facts along the way, but that was near the beginning. This battle is going to go on and on and on. It'll never stop til the world ends. And this class has become so tedious that i had considered dropping it only to realize that the last date to drop a class had passed.

I've come to realize that philosophy in general just doesn't tickle my fancy. I liked it originally in gr.12 but i recall it did get a little boring after a while. All these roundabout, confuzzling arguments are pointless because they just get rebutted back and forth. You can never win an argument because someone'll just respond with something better, in which case, you gotta think even harder. and it's not like you can win someone over to Christ by engaging in philosophical arguments with them (well, maybe you can. but i'd doubt that it would be highly effective). I mean, as far as i know for myself, i haven't been affected in the LEAST in terms of what I believe despite a few very strong arguments from the other side. So if it's the same case for other people, why are philosophers wasting their time?????

So then, my question is this: i'm a self-professed lover of kierkegaard. (not all his stuff, but a great deal) but i hate philosophy. SEE ANY CONFLICTS THERE????? I'm betting that some philosophers would say "yes" and some would say "no". Honestly, the only difference between the two is their lines of reasoning. What a waste of time.

arghh

2007-02-27T00:37:00.000-05:00

ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - bad marks , bad marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how to escape and defeat my own slothfulness??? it's because of this vice of mine that i'm bombing as a student. back to work.

how am i supposed to get into grad school with these CRAPPY CRAPPY marks?!?!?! and when i say crappy, i MEAN CRAPPY.

redefining the self

2007-02-25T19:26:00.001-05:00

i've come to realize that i really don't know who i am. i don't know what kind of person i am - nice or mean, encouraging or not, relaxed or anal? i think it's funny that i have no clue about the type of person i am. how i see myself is not always consistent with how i act or feel.

for example, i've always thought of myself as a laid back, happy person who doesn't really get mad. but this weekend, after seeing old friends i got mad at someone for something that they said - albeit they said it as a joke and their comment was not intentionally aimed at me - i still took offense and now i'm a little bitter and POed at this someone. but that's not the point. i don't feel like an angry person. Last year at RAC camp staff orienteering they asked us to recall a time when we were on the job and were really angry. i said that i couldn't remember because i never get mad. and i didn't even realize i was lying - until now. i look back on my childhood and unpleasant memories - i got mad A LOT. so why is my self perception so skewed and inaccurate? iunno.

how much of who you are is innate? how much of it can be controlled? in res last year my don would often put up "inspirational" quotes around the halls. one of them went something like this, "you are who you WANT to be." is that true? can i control through sheer willpower who i want to be? or will someone always have the same innate tendencies regardless of the facade that they put up? my side quote by kierkegaard, one of my favourite philosophers says that if you don't know who you are even when you are alone, you'll forget. it's like living a life that even you don't know is a lie. is that necessarily a bad thing? obviously the major things like my belief in my salvation and stuff like that is important. but what about the slightly more minor things? take the example of me being "outspoken." Many people see me as being quiet, not usually too much to say and not to much to say that steps on peoples' toes. but i DO have a lot to say. my mind is always racing and i've got tons of opinions. so what if i eventually forget that i'm opinionated and just end up thinking that i like to hear what others have to say? is it bad thing? it's not like my comments are constructive, nobody would benefit from them. haaaa....i dunno...

it's like julia roberts in runaway bride. she had to figure out how she liked her eggs independently without anyone's input. this makes me want to go into solitude. haha. i mean, seeing some people act one way around a certain group of people and then acting another way around other people just makes them seem so fake and i'm afraid that i may be like that.

i should compile a list - of things i like and don't like. of things that i know i am for sure and the things that i'm not so sure of. i love making lists. yay, i've got my first "like" for my list.

2007-01-31T18:40:00.000-05:00

today: UBER cold. UBER windy

my id was being a jerk today. here are some things that it had to say:

1) "considering the speed and manner in which you are walking, i would have guessed that you just crapped yourself." (about the guy walking in front of me on the sidewalk)

2) "if i didn't know better, i would've thought that thing on your head was a toupe."

3) "excuse me [to a boy], did you notice before or after you bought them that your uggs have pom-poms on them?"

4) "you're a good-looking guy. you shouldn't have to look for moon rocks in order to get attention."

5) "c'mon kids....MJ in the concourse? i do believe that i've been 'fobbed out' for the rest of the month"

6) "and i thought I was butch..."

thank God for my overcompensating superego. (but sometimes my superego goes cognitively challenged on me.)

the world is unforgiving.

2007-01-10T13:01:00.000-05:00

One of the worst possible things happened to me yesterday. I was penalized for plagarism. It's like "?!?!?!?!?!" right??? The truth is that i DID plagarize -- albeit COMPLETELY uninentionally. I thought I had done a good job on my assignment. But then my prof told me to go talk to him. I've never EVER gotten in trouble of academic misconduct of any kind. So this came as a complete shock and of course, I cried. a lot. i even entertained thoughts of dropping the class although that would do absolutely no good.

I have to admit, it was completely stupid of me to not realize that I was plagarizing because i was using ideas from the ABSTRACT of an article and i thought it was ok to just reword it considering i was not copying from the article itself. i really did not realize....but at least i know for next time.

But what makes me mad is that i had emailed my prof to ask what kind of implications this would have on my academic career and although as of right now (as long as it doesn't happen again) it's pretty under wraps. BUT...he wrote, and i QUOTE, "I was shocked and disappointed because i had identified you as a serious student." Boy I OUGHTTA.....(insert violent verb). But that wouldn't be very loving of me and loving people is something that i really need to work on. But i'm just mad cause i guess not everyone is as forgiving or as understanding as the people i normally associate myself with. which makes me a naiive fart, but still, i hadn't expected that people in the world were such cynics and so judgemental. Well take this, mr. prof, i AM a serious student, and just you wait. Just because i messed up once doesn't make me a turd or a cheater. I'LL SHOW YOU. and then at the end of the term you'll be like (to yourself), "i misjudged that student. and i'll hold my tongue (or in that case my fingers) from now. i am stupid. " Well, i guess it's not nice to call him stupid. but it certainly wasn't a very nice idea to call me an unserious student.

people screw up. that's what makes us people.

2007-01-05T20:59:00.000-05:00

It was about this time last year that my dog Pongo died. (the actual date was jan. 5) I was feeling kinda sad and I thought about him. So let's just take a moment and pay our respects, shall we? (pause). But this isn't exactly what my post is about. I was thinking about the various marks he left on me. my scars. He gave me 4. One on my left forearm when he bit me when i tried to take back the food he stole off the table...and 3 on the lower half of my face when i ambushed him while he was sleeping.

Just thinking about the ones on my face...i remember thinking that it was the absolute end of the world. especially when i came home from the hospital with some 17 very dark, very obvious, very hideous stitches on my face. I thought it was the end of my life, that i'd be the next quasimodo. I cried for FOREVER and i nearly killed myself (tres exaggerated) when my dad tried to take pictures of me and my stitches. But today? sure, you can still see them, and they turn purple when it's cold and BRIGHT red when i've been boozing, but it's not enough to make you barf (or so i hope not ;).

Just thinking about this reminded me how a lot of things seem like the end of the world. but they're really not. One of the biggest things that i learned at urbana was that IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. I freak out when i get a crappy mark or i think that someone's mad at me or whatever, but it's not important...it's really not. We're all part of the body of Christ and it seems as though people use this passage to declare their importance. but i personally see it another way. Because we are just parts of the body, what matters is what the whole collective body does. You still need to do your part, of course, but the glory should go soley to Christ who is the head.

So what does this have to do with facial scars? everything. It's not about you. So when you're stressed out about things that seem to mean the world take a step back and think again. I'm not saying that you're not important to God, because you are - if the purpose of life is to find and serve God, what the crap are you stressing about?

baby names

2006-12-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

There's something seriously awry a work here. Babies are popping up everywhere in my family, and don't get me wrong, i like babies but the names given to them by their parents....that's another story. Just to humour myself i'll list the ugly names that run in my family: (i've removed the last names just in case should any of my cousins decide to google their child's awkward name, they wont come across this little "odd name" compilation. Keep in mind that all these kids have Chinese last names, with the exeption of Bibi):

- Latisha (HELLO????? Might as well be Shaniqua. . .)
- Tobias (pronounced "TobEE - us")
- Tyrone (what up dogg...)
- Akemi (cute, but neither of your parents are of Japanese descent)
- Joycelynn (adding a letter doesnt a christian name make)
- Bibi (someones been watching too much KILL BILL)
- Jenica (at least it's not "princess" like i originally thought it was...)

I could have sworn there were more, and they're not as heinous as i once thought...i think i'm getting soft...not a good trait. But still, they're QUITE unusual and i definitely wont go to my cousins for baby name advice.

ugly?

2006-11-27T21:56:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been considering missions.

With all the mission stuff going on - the annual missions conference at jaffray, urbana coming up in less than a month...i've been wondering and praying. but i don't know if i'm the right person.

i went to nashville some fourish (?) years ago for a short term missions trip. this experience was more of a "let's get the youth involved" sort of deal. there was no target area. we stayed at one place for maybe a few hours at best and didn't make relationships. we evangelized through dance??? now that i look back at it, the only change that this type of all-around mission trip instigated was inner change for the participants. anyway, after the STM trip was over, i was absolutely convinced that God was calling me to be a doctor in Africa. Looking at my current situation, i was WAY off.....since then i've been tentative about the idea of missions (for myself) in the fear that i may subconciously misleading myself to idealize a path that God has not appointed for me.

Yet there are other things that pull me back. Because of these recent wonderings i've been forced to re-examine myself. and i've discovered this: i'm ugly on the inside. I don't use the term "ugly" lightly. And when i say "ugly" i don't mean full of faults and shortcomings. On the outside, i fit the christian mold. but on the inside, i'm full of hate. and anger. and despair. i'm not emo, i'll tell you this. but i'm a person who's not loving enough to sacrifice myself. i'm selfish. i think evilish thoughts that i bet are comparable to hitler. scary, yes? very. this scared me too when i did some self-examination. but it's not something i can escape. it's there. SO THERE. so if i have a heart as black as this coke that i'm drinking, i wonder whether Christ is even present in my life. He is. Which makes everything even worse.

If I can profess my love for Christ, how can i have heart so ugly? And how can i even consider missions; changing the world when i can't even change myself?

But there's comfort, this was half a year ago. since then i've been working towards having a Christ-like heart and mind and soul. And i've seen change. granted, this change started off slow and it will never be complete, there has been change. tremendous change. but there's still work to be done on me. Just like the change i experienced, the change i still need to undergo is tremendous. I don't know where i'm going with this. I suppose it's "i was ugly and now i'm less ugly thanks to Christ" (?). but right now, i'm glad and i'm excited. i'm just babbling now, so i'll just say this: change is the watch-word. Christ is the instigator.

frustration

2006-11-05T18:00:00.000-05:00

I've been frustrated lately. I've seen things going on that i don't like with people that i respect. i've noticed that these people take and take and take. they've been taking for years. now it's time for them to give. it's their turn, they've got the experience, the knowledge, and the widsom to give to the less fortunate. but they still take. and it really frustrates me because these people should be mature enough to either deal with their problems on their own or to ask for help. yet they sit back, moping, letting their problems run their lives. when i try to talk to these people to see what's going on with them they completely shut me out. i'd be offended if i wasn't so unamused and starting to lose interest. i say to them, "you're a grownup. snap out of your selfish mode and help out the kiddies who actually need help."

my st-st-st-stutter

2006-10-22T18:49:00.000-04:00

I guess i've been having a pretty good week, midterms are going okayish but i'm starting to slack a bit.

One thing that I thought in my mind today was "I don't wanna open my mouth cause i'm just gonna stutter and look like a complete doofus." Yes, I have a stutter. I've probably had it for a while, but i have only recently discovered that i had it. And it's debilitating. LIKE FEAR. except not so intense. I find myself talking to people at school and the sentences that i make are hard to understand. but there are some weird things about this so-called stutter:

1) the stutter doesn't always happen at the beginning of the sentence. and it's sometimes not even stutterish. It's like my mouth farts at the end of the word and the word ends up making absolutely no sense. Par example: "I went to the supermarket yesteraaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh" (k, i exaggerated A LITTLE. but you get the idea.). But I also stutter normal stutters as well.

2) I don't stutter around everyone, just particular people. And no, they aren't cute boys or anything like that. They're people that i KNOW and that i'm FRIENDS with. which makes it awkward cause sometimes they'll give me this weird look and be like, "What.....?" So definitely not cool. I'm good at speaking in public but for some reason it's like i'm speaking some other language when i'm talking to certain people...

My linguist sister told me that stuttering was often due to a lack of self confidence. I didn't think i did (may i did), but this stutter is definitely making me lose some of that confidence. It's a vicious circle. I hear myself stutter so i say less. But when i actually speak up, i'm so focused on not stuttering that i stutter even more.

This speech impediment is killing my rep and making me look more and more like one of those mousey, unsocialized archaeologists. BOOOOOO URRRRNNNNNSSS. (well actually, perhaps that's a good thing). But anyway, maybe i'll carry marbles around in the palm of my hand from n-n-n-now o-o-on.

2006-10-19T21:10:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know, I already have a blog. But i don't really want to use it because it's just too public. Definitely not a place were i want to post my innermost thoughts and stuff. So this is MY place. This is where i can post what i want when i want and i know exactly who has access to it and who doesn't. and knowing this, i feel safer. much safer. This is where you can catch up with what's going on with me cause i know that i don't keep people updated. I don't have time to have a real "heart-to-heart" at the moment, but rest assured, I'll be posting soon. Just a warning: my posts may (or may not) get offensive and angry. Something's brewing up here in this deranged mind of mine.