I was at Faith Christian Books yesterday with a couple of friends when I began browsing a book which included 2 Tozer writings: How to be Filled with the Holy Spirit and The Counselor. Frankly, I can't remember the last time I read and finished a book about Christian life/living. While I was browsing through it, one sub-point caught my eye. One cannot pursue the Spirit through intellect. That hit me hard. I will be the first to admit that for the last four years I have been more fascinated about the study of Christianity than my own discipleship and growth in Christ. I've always known the difference and where my priority should lie but I always made excuses and tried to justify myself. I would argue Why can't God be known through studying academically? God is God, He reveals himself however he wants. We can't limit Him, there are so many dimensions to Him. But my wanton disregard for coming towards God clearly had a toll on me.

Anyways, back to the book. I was prepared to buy it because I really think that Tozer has great, practical stuff to say, when I came across a book containing the collection of Old Testament Apocrypha. I wanted it bad. I love this stuff. I looked at the two books together and it, literally, was like a battle. I wasn't willing to buy both because I wasn't willing to pay the exorbitant total for both. I had to choose. So, would it be Tozer, who warned against placing too much on the intellect? Or the Apocrypha which would nourish my mind and naught else more? I could have bought both. I really could have. But I lost that battle by choosing the Apocrypha, which I was quite happy with, but know that it is not what I need at the moment.

And then today, while I was doing prestudy for the Bonhoeffer Bible Study I'll be facilitating tonight, I read something ridiculous that really just made me want to bang my head against the wall. Jesus cannot be known through abstractions. Bonhoeffer says that the study of the historical Jesus, or even the dogmatic Jesus is useless and rather superfluous for our Christian walks. We need to know the Jesus that is personal, here, and now. I'm sitting here, shaking my head. I am convinced, but still unwilling to let go of the academic aspect. I, of all people, know not to take academe too seriously. In the end, it all breaks down and I have a feeling at the end of the age it's just a load of crap. But I can't let go enough to let it come down a notch on my list of priorities. Maybe it's a pride thing. I'm not the most insightful person in the world, but I work hard to read and it's an advantage that I feel like I have. Do I have to let go at all? Can I just bring my other Christian pursuits up a notch? I'm torn. I know the "right" answer but I just don't really want to face the music.