work work work break work work work

he also does mulan's "i'll make a man out of you." love love love love love it. digression over.

oh dear

So it's that time of the year again. If I were ever to kill myself now would be the time. Arts is for suckers. Let me share with you my schedule for next week.

Tuesday
10-12 page paper due on Freudian themes in prayer

Wednesday
8-10 page paper due on Hamas and Jihad
15-20 page paper on zoomorphic motifs in Philistine religion during the late Iron Age
(+ a 15 minute presentation on that topic, + a quiz in that same class on Early and Mid-Iron age sites in Palestine)

Thursday
1-hr seminar on Heterosexism in contemporary culture
Poster Presentation on cyber religion
Quiz on Ephesians and Colossians.

and that's just next week. this week ain't even over (someone needs to shoot me)

and what else? i've rediscovered youtube. and myspace. yes, i love those wannabe musicians who do covers.
there are the ones that you stop watching after half a second cause the video quality is bad, there're those who you stop watching after 10 seconds because you realize that they can't actually sing
there are the ones who you try to sit through because they're alright but you stop cause you get bored
and then, PERIODICALLY, there are the ones you like cause they make everything look easy.
these are the ones who make me want to be a youtube musician. ahaha. yes, i've thought about posting videos of me singing up cause i'm lame. anyway, enough time wasted.

haircut rant

I got a haircut today because I'm getting my grad photos done this Wednesday. I have only been happy once in recent memory after receiving a haircut. All the other twenty something times have ended in tears or anger. Why is it that people just can't cut hair? I'm pretty sure that it's not me being picky - believe me, I'm completely fine with going out in public with hair like a horse's mane - unkempt and flying everywhere. But these haircuts that I get - they're just ugly. And I can't take it anymore. I always vow to refrain from cutting my hair ever again. Clearly those vows always fall short but I'm just angry that I couldn't get a decent haircut - especially THREE days before I need to take my grad pics. Like, seriously? Is there NO ONE who can cut hair on this planet?

Maybe it's not about the hair. Maybe it's the fact that taking these photos is a tangible representation of the death of my university career. Maybe it's about the grad photos themselves and what they represent. I'm scared. I'm disillusioned. I feel hopeless sometimes. It's easy to say that God will provide - heck, I've been saying that for four years. But now that the end is so near and there is still no direction, no obvious opportunities, no personal ambitions, no guidance, no voice of God in my ear to point me in the right direction it's easy to ask what the point is. What IS the point? Is there a point? Or is it a free-for-all, the hugest melee ever? Shucks, this sucks. I'm suffering most right now because there's no motivation for me to do anything at all. And when I mean anything at all, I mean ANYTHING. My life is one huge escapist act.

I have people to keep me accountable. People to encourage me. But everything continues to feel hollow and inadequate, no offense to those who have been counselling me. But I definitely feel like I'm alone in this. I'm not going to proclaim that I'm special because I know a bunch of other people are feeling the exact same thing that I'm feeling. But it's like we're all alone in our own battles. It's not something that someone else can help us fight. We're on our own. Ever wonder why the voice of God seems mute?