I failed. And its only day two. I saw all this beginning to unravel last night. I caculated the total and realized that i had eaten about 55 cents worth of food - grainish gruel in the morning, and half a can of beans with sardines in the evening. All that goodness cost me 55 cents and I was STILL starving. Mom tempted me with some crepes too, saying that she'd "treat" me.
I had my doubts before I went to bed, but I was determined to make it til Friday. This morning, however, after my usual sweaty, awkward-looking workout I was incredibly tempted to eat the fruit sitting on the counter and almost did, thinking that no one would know. Oh boy, did I want to cheat. Honestly, it wouldn't affect anyone but myself. It wasn't an issue of morality, I didn't make a pact with anyone, not with God, only myself. I had decided earlier that if I felt physically unwell that I'd break this thing that I was doing, but I wasn't feeling ill, so I couldn't do anything about it.
For "dinner," which was actually around 4 because I was so hungry, I had the same gloppy mess of beans and sardines which, in all honesty, I wanted to throw up. The sardines were so incredibly sketch. And so incredibly disgusting and unappetizing. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually a fan of canned fish, and I do enjoy sardines from time to time, but something about the fishy smell today made me oddly nauseated. I ate it, of course, but the thought of doing it again made me uncomfortable.
Still hungry, and still having "overspent" I just drank water to fill my poor tummy. Sad and depressed, my parents offered me steak and I said yes.
So, what did I learn? A bunch of things. I think I failed because my heart wasn't in it. I'm not saying that I never meant to go through with it all, because I did. I was too bound to the things of this world. But then again, was what I did even absolutely necessary? Either I tried to prove a point which really didn't need proving or I tried to prove a point going about it the wrong way. My reason for doing this was to give up the things of this world that bind me to the world. It was about my frivolity, my gluttony, my whatever-elses.
Ahh, anyway, I failed. And interestingly enough, I'm not devestated. I think somewhere along the way I lost my conviction to do this. I'm still convicted about the cause and the bottom line, but this particular exercise, I wasn't so convicted about. I don't know. At the same time It's disappointing because my failure illustrated my character. I'm feeling mixed emotions about this and I need some time to sort this out. Hmm....
