Having lost whatever hope i have in the human race, i turn to venting. I'm mad as hell.
I'm not going to relay the entire story to you, but long story short: family friend gets beaten and robbed at FMP in the middle of the day with MANY witnesses who do nothing to help despite a very prolonged beating and desperate cries for help.
There are the doers - the people who actively seek to harm others for their own selfish benefits. These people, we all know, are scum.
But I have a bigger beef with the people who just watched. These are everyday, normal "relatively good people." That's crap. These people are just as bad as the evil doers because they're enablers, enabling people to let other people hurt each other. What's worse is that they're hypocrites. Full of crap. I understand that there's this thing in psych about crowd mentalities that inhibits people from acting in emergencies. That's because they "expect" someone else to do something. Even to our core, we're innately and biologically scum.
I'm seething with anger (couldn't you tell?), mostly at these people, but also humanity because I know that we're all like that some way or another. I sit here saying that there's no doubt that I would have been moved into acting. But in reality, who am I to say? It all ends up being hypothetical to me because I wasn't actually there.
Yet, God chose to die. for us. the scum of the universe. Why? It's ludicrous, unreasonable, illogical. I'm bursting inside trying to fathom it.
There's also a second part to this for me to admit something, which indicates that I'm just as bad as the above-listed. There was a guy at Kennedy station yesterday, this greasy-looking middle-aged man who took out a wad of cash out and started counting it. Let me tell you, it was a LARGE wad of cash at least 20-30 crisp twenties. He was doing it slowly, with people all around, almost begging us to envy him or something along those lines. I thought to myself, what a douche. he deserves to be robbed or something.
So there you have it. I'm as big of a scumbag as everyone else. We're all scum. I'm being cynical and hateful and mean and unforgiving. But you need to realize that before Grace truly means the world.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
ahhh fail.
I failed. And its only day two. I saw all this beginning to unravel last night. I caculated the total and realized that i had eaten about 55 cents worth of food - grainish gruel in the morning, and half a can of beans with sardines in the evening. All that goodness cost me 55 cents and I was STILL starving. Mom tempted me with some crepes too, saying that she'd "treat" me.
I had my doubts before I went to bed, but I was determined to make it til Friday. This morning, however, after my usual sweaty, awkward-looking workout I was incredibly tempted to eat the fruit sitting on the counter and almost did, thinking that no one would know. Oh boy, did I want to cheat. Honestly, it wouldn't affect anyone but myself. It wasn't an issue of morality, I didn't make a pact with anyone, not with God, only myself. I had decided earlier that if I felt physically unwell that I'd break this thing that I was doing, but I wasn't feeling ill, so I couldn't do anything about it.
For "dinner," which was actually around 4 because I was so hungry, I had the same gloppy mess of beans and sardines which, in all honesty, I wanted to throw up. The sardines were so incredibly sketch. And so incredibly disgusting and unappetizing. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually a fan of canned fish, and I do enjoy sardines from time to time, but something about the fishy smell today made me oddly nauseated. I ate it, of course, but the thought of doing it again made me uncomfortable.
Still hungry, and still having "overspent" I just drank water to fill my poor tummy. Sad and depressed, my parents offered me steak and I said yes.
So, what did I learn? A bunch of things. I think I failed because my heart wasn't in it. I'm not saying that I never meant to go through with it all, because I did. I was too bound to the things of this world. But then again, was what I did even absolutely necessary? Either I tried to prove a point which really didn't need proving or I tried to prove a point going about it the wrong way. My reason for doing this was to give up the things of this world that bind me to the world. It was about my frivolity, my gluttony, my whatever-elses.
Ahh, anyway, I failed. And interestingly enough, I'm not devestated. I think somewhere along the way I lost my conviction to do this. I'm still convicted about the cause and the bottom line, but this particular exercise, I wasn't so convicted about. I don't know. At the same time It's disappointing because my failure illustrated my character. I'm feeling mixed emotions about this and I need some time to sort this out. Hmm....
I had my doubts before I went to bed, but I was determined to make it til Friday. This morning, however, after my usual sweaty, awkward-looking workout I was incredibly tempted to eat the fruit sitting on the counter and almost did, thinking that no one would know. Oh boy, did I want to cheat. Honestly, it wouldn't affect anyone but myself. It wasn't an issue of morality, I didn't make a pact with anyone, not with God, only myself. I had decided earlier that if I felt physically unwell that I'd break this thing that I was doing, but I wasn't feeling ill, so I couldn't do anything about it.
For "dinner," which was actually around 4 because I was so hungry, I had the same gloppy mess of beans and sardines which, in all honesty, I wanted to throw up. The sardines were so incredibly sketch. And so incredibly disgusting and unappetizing. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually a fan of canned fish, and I do enjoy sardines from time to time, but something about the fishy smell today made me oddly nauseated. I ate it, of course, but the thought of doing it again made me uncomfortable.
Still hungry, and still having "overspent" I just drank water to fill my poor tummy. Sad and depressed, my parents offered me steak and I said yes.
So, what did I learn? A bunch of things. I think I failed because my heart wasn't in it. I'm not saying that I never meant to go through with it all, because I did. I was too bound to the things of this world. But then again, was what I did even absolutely necessary? Either I tried to prove a point which really didn't need proving or I tried to prove a point going about it the wrong way. My reason for doing this was to give up the things of this world that bind me to the world. It was about my frivolity, my gluttony, my whatever-elses.
Ahh, anyway, I failed. And interestingly enough, I'm not devestated. I think somewhere along the way I lost my conviction to do this. I'm still convicted about the cause and the bottom line, but this particular exercise, I wasn't so convicted about. I don't know. At the same time It's disappointing because my failure illustrated my character. I'm feeling mixed emotions about this and I need some time to sort this out. Hmm....
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
44 cents a day.
I subscribe to a newsletter from a group called Beyond Borders which is a missions-oriented foundation operating in Haiti. Every month I receive an update on the work that has been done in Haiti by local and overseas missionaries. This month's update was particularly alarming and saddening. With the world's economy in a bit of trouble now (thank you corn) the price of produce has risen dramatically. However, most of the world's income per capita has not risen at all. Haiti's average per capita income is 44 cents a day. 44 cents to pay for water, shelter, clothing, fuel....that's 44 cents to survive. Many families go a day or two at a time without a meal. This extreme poverty comes as no surprise as Haiti's dependence on imported produce has grown exponentially over the last 20 years. The country used to be self-sufficient in this area but the greed of various corporations and the American government (*see end of post for details) has successfully killed this reality. This is not only a matter of hunger, but of justice.
Next week, starting Monday and ending Friday, I will subsist on only 44 cents a day for food. I know that standards of living vary and the standard of living in Canada is much higher than Haiti, but I think it important for me to do this as an act of solidarity. I've decided I'm not going to include water in this, considering how difficult it is for me to calculate such things - so i get to drink tap water to my heart's content. 5 days, $2.20 to spend (not just "spend". The value of items bought prior to the start of Monday counts as well, so if I eat a can of tuna that I bought last week, that's 89 cents). This amount includes whatever i might spend on miscellaneous items. (minus gas....it's just not possible)
What do I hope to achieve? It's not just a matter of trying to starve myself so I feel more "in tune" with the sufferings of this world. That's bull. Solely changing my mental state does nothing for Christ's kingdom or people. We need action! So I've averaged the amount of money I spend in a regular week (I'm not telling you the ridiculous amount) and that will go to Haiti instead of into my stomach or wherever else. In addition, this will teach me how to let go of the things of this world, including food. It's like an "everything-material-fast". I've been thinking about materialism lately and how I so easily dish out money. 13 bucks for a 6-pack of beer, 3 bucks for a bottle of juice, 25 bucks for AYCE sushi, 40 bucks for a bag that I don't even like. (Thank you, John Knight) It's absurd and ridiculous, and we don't even realize it.
So here we go. It'll be rocky and I know I'll be grumpy and irritable. But here we go.
** in 1986, Haiti freed itself from dictatorship that had been supported by the US. They were bankrupt. Washington agreed to give them conditional aid granted that they cut foreign rice-tariffs down to 3.5 percent (tariffs protect local industries). The average international average for rice tariffs is 43 percent (are you effing kidding me?) Haitian farmers couldn't compete with American rice producers and many were forced out of business. With the rise of international food prices today, in theory, Haitian farmers should be able to return to business. The reality is, however, that farmers have lost their lands and irrigation canals have crumbled because of years of neglect (there was no point in farming rice).
Next week, starting Monday and ending Friday, I will subsist on only 44 cents a day for food. I know that standards of living vary and the standard of living in Canada is much higher than Haiti, but I think it important for me to do this as an act of solidarity. I've decided I'm not going to include water in this, considering how difficult it is for me to calculate such things - so i get to drink tap water to my heart's content. 5 days, $2.20 to spend (not just "spend". The value of items bought prior to the start of Monday counts as well, so if I eat a can of tuna that I bought last week, that's 89 cents). This amount includes whatever i might spend on miscellaneous items. (minus gas....it's just not possible)
What do I hope to achieve? It's not just a matter of trying to starve myself so I feel more "in tune" with the sufferings of this world. That's bull. Solely changing my mental state does nothing for Christ's kingdom or people. We need action! So I've averaged the amount of money I spend in a regular week (I'm not telling you the ridiculous amount) and that will go to Haiti instead of into my stomach or wherever else. In addition, this will teach me how to let go of the things of this world, including food. It's like an "everything-material-fast". I've been thinking about materialism lately and how I so easily dish out money. 13 bucks for a 6-pack of beer, 3 bucks for a bottle of juice, 25 bucks for AYCE sushi, 40 bucks for a bag that I don't even like. (Thank you, John Knight) It's absurd and ridiculous, and we don't even realize it.
So here we go. It'll be rocky and I know I'll be grumpy and irritable. But here we go.
** in 1986, Haiti freed itself from dictatorship that had been supported by the US. They were bankrupt. Washington agreed to give them conditional aid granted that they cut foreign rice-tariffs down to 3.5 percent (tariffs protect local industries). The average international average for rice tariffs is 43 percent (are you effing kidding me?) Haitian farmers couldn't compete with American rice producers and many were forced out of business. With the rise of international food prices today, in theory, Haitian farmers should be able to return to business. The reality is, however, that farmers have lost their lands and irrigation canals have crumbled because of years of neglect (there was no point in farming rice).
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