i've come to realize that i really don't know who i am. i don't know what kind of person i am - nice or mean, encouraging or not, relaxed or anal? i think it's funny that i have no clue about the type of person i am. how i see myself is not always consistent with how i act or feel.
for example, i've always thought of myself as a laid back, happy person who doesn't really get mad. but this weekend, after seeing old friends i got mad at someone for something that they said - albeit they said it as a joke and their comment was not intentionally aimed at me - i still took offense and now i'm a little bitter and POed at this someone. but that's not the point. i don't feel like an angry person. Last year at RAC camp staff orienteering they asked us to recall a time when we were on the job and were really angry. i said that i couldn't remember because i never get mad. and i didn't even realize i was lying - until now. i look back on my childhood and unpleasant memories - i got mad A LOT. so why is my self perception so skewed and inaccurate? iunno.
how much of who you are is innate? how much of it can be controlled? in res last year my don would often put up "inspirational" quotes around the halls. one of them went something like this, "you are who you WANT to be." is that true? can i control through sheer willpower who i want to be? or will someone always have the same innate tendencies regardless of the facade that they put up? my side quote by kierkegaard, one of my favourite philosophers says that if you don't know who you are even when you are alone, you'll forget. it's like living a life that even you don't know is a lie. is that necessarily a bad thing? obviously the major things like my belief in my salvation and stuff like that is important. but what about the slightly more minor things? take the example of me being "outspoken." Many people see me as being quiet, not usually too much to say and not to much to say that steps on peoples' toes. but i DO have a lot to say. my mind is always racing and i've got tons of opinions. so what if i eventually forget that i'm opinionated and just end up thinking that i like to hear what others have to say? is it bad thing? it's not like my comments are constructive, nobody would benefit from them. haaaa....i dunno...
it's like julia roberts in runaway bride. she had to figure out how she liked her eggs independently without anyone's input. this makes me want to go into solitude. haha. i mean, seeing some people act one way around a certain group of people and then acting another way around other people just makes them seem so fake and i'm afraid that i may be like that.
i should compile a list - of things i like and don't like. of things that i know i am for sure and the things that i'm not so sure of. i love making lists. yay, i've got my first "like" for my list.
