ugly?

Lately, I've been considering missions.

With all the mission stuff going on - the annual missions conference at jaffray, urbana coming up in less than a month...i've been wondering and praying. but i don't know if i'm the right person.

i went to nashville some fourish (?) years ago for a short term missions trip. this experience was more of a "let's get the youth involved" sort of deal. there was no target area. we stayed at one place for maybe a few hours at best and didn't make relationships. we evangelized through dance??? now that i look back at it, the only change that this type of all-around mission trip instigated was inner change for the participants. anyway, after the STM trip was over, i was absolutely convinced that God was calling me to be a doctor in Africa. Looking at my current situation, i was WAY off.....since then i've been tentative about the idea of missions (for myself) in the fear that i may subconciously misleading myself to idealize a path that God has not appointed for me.

Yet there are other things that pull me back. Because of these recent wonderings i've been forced to re-examine myself. and i've discovered this: i'm ugly on the inside. I don't use the term "ugly" lightly. And when i say "ugly" i don't mean full of faults and shortcomings. On the outside, i fit the christian mold. but on the inside, i'm full of hate. and anger. and despair. i'm not emo, i'll tell you this. but i'm a person who's not loving enough to sacrifice myself. i'm selfish. i think evilish thoughts that i bet are comparable to hitler. scary, yes? very. this scared me too when i did some self-examination. but it's not something i can escape. it's there. SO THERE. so if i have a heart as black as this coke that i'm drinking, i wonder whether Christ is even present in my life. He is. Which makes everything even worse.

If I can profess my love for Christ, how can i have heart so ugly? And how can i even consider missions; changing the world when i can't even change myself?

But there's comfort, this was half a year ago. since then i've been working towards having a Christ-like heart and mind and soul. And i've seen change. granted, this change started off slow and it will never be complete, there has been change. tremendous change. but there's still work to be done on me. Just like the change i experienced, the change i still need to undergo is tremendous. I don't know where i'm going with this. I suppose it's "i was ugly and now i'm less ugly thanks to Christ" (?). but right now, i'm glad and i'm excited. i'm just babbling now, so i'll just say this: change is the watch-word. Christ is the instigator.

frustration

I've been frustrated lately. I've seen things going on that i don't like with people that i respect. i've noticed that these people take and take and take. they've been taking for years. now it's time for them to give. it's their turn, they've got the experience, the knowledge, and the widsom to give to the less fortunate. but they still take. and it really frustrates me because these people should be mature enough to either deal with their problems on their own or to ask for help. yet they sit back, moping, letting their problems run their lives. when i try to talk to these people to see what's going on with them they completely shut me out. i'd be offended if i wasn't so unamused and starting to lose interest. i say to them, "you're a grownup. snap out of your selfish mode and help out the kiddies who actually need help."