my st-st-st-stutter

I guess i've been having a pretty good week, midterms are going okayish but i'm starting to slack a bit.

One thing that I thought in my mind today was "I don't wanna open my mouth cause i'm just gonna stutter and look like a complete doofus." Yes, I have a stutter. I've probably had it for a while, but i have only recently discovered that i had it. And it's debilitating. LIKE FEAR. except not so intense. I find myself talking to people at school and the sentences that i make are hard to understand. but there are some weird things about this so-called stutter:

1) the stutter doesn't always happen at the beginning of the sentence. and it's sometimes not even stutterish. It's like my mouth farts at the end of the word and the word ends up making absolutely no sense. Par example: "I went to the supermarket yesteraaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh" (k, i exaggerated A LITTLE. but you get the idea.). But I also stutter normal stutters as well.

2) I don't stutter around everyone, just particular people. And no, they aren't cute boys or anything like that. They're people that i KNOW and that i'm FRIENDS with. which makes it awkward cause sometimes they'll give me this weird look and be like, "What.....?" So definitely not cool. I'm good at speaking in public but for some reason it's like i'm speaking some other language when i'm talking to certain people...

My linguist sister told me that stuttering was often due to a lack of self confidence. I didn't think i did (may i did), but this stutter is definitely making me lose some of that confidence. It's a vicious circle. I hear myself stutter so i say less. But when i actually speak up, i'm so focused on not stuttering that i stutter even more.

This speech impediment is killing my rep and making me look more and more like one of those mousey, unsocialized archaeologists. BOOOOOO URRRRNNNNNSSS. (well actually, perhaps that's a good thing). But anyway, maybe i'll carry marbles around in the palm of my hand from n-n-n-now o-o-on.

Yeah, I know, I already have a blog. But i don't really want to use it because it's just too public. Definitely not a place were i want to post my innermost thoughts and stuff. So this is MY place. This is where i can post what i want when i want and i know exactly who has access to it and who doesn't. and knowing this, i feel safer. much safer. This is where you can catch up with what's going on with me cause i know that i don't keep people updated. I don't have time to have a real "heart-to-heart" at the moment, but rest assured, I'll be posting soon. Just a warning: my posts may (or may not) get offensive and angry. Something's brewing up here in this deranged mind of mine.